Fitch Bits: The Wet Bandit of Central Mass

Okay, so this is a story told to me by my neighbor. I have no way to prove any of it, but he has no reason to lie about it.

Wasn't going to post it, but I got this last night.
Credit: Rick Harris

If it IS a lie, it's a damn good one and deserves a read.

It turns out that his home was broken into a number of years ago. That's never fun, but this was definitely a fun loving criminal.

As opposed to a Smooth Criminal
Credit: CelebrtiyABC

He didn't mention any stolen money or expensive property going missing, although you could say that this guy stole his spirit(s)!

*Hold for applause*
Credit: Kristarella

Rather than ransack the place, this guy just sat his criminal ass down in the kitchen and helped himself to the entire liquor cabinet.

To be clear, my neighbor was fast asleep upstairs while someone was getting drunk in his house. He also took some time to explore and left every single door open like he was raised in some sort of felonious barn.

Imagine this, but with prison tats.
Credit: Stanze 

Anyway, the guy got spooked at some point and left. No one was hurt and he lived to burgle another day.

The funny part comes from the neighbor's conversation with the police.

Good Cop: "Funny story, actually!"
Bad Cop: "No, it's long and boring and you're going to listen!"
Credit: Scubatoo

Turns out that he wasn't the first victim. This guy had been hitting houses all over the city and taking whatever he pleased.

What if someone didn't have anything to steal? Well, he'd just go ahead and turn on all the water in the house as an act of revenge.

That's right, this guy was the real world equivalent of the Wet Bandits from Home Alone.

Editor's Note: Sure as hell not paying for the rights to a photo.

There's no way to find out if he was ever actually caught. One can't help but imagine an ingenious detective simply following a trail of wet, drunkenly stumbling footprints to his hidden, evil lair, though.

Or here. Whichever he saw first.
Credit: Q Family

So there's your first Fitch Bit. I can't completely confirm that it all happened, but I can't see why it would be made up. The break in was also corroborated by another neighbor.

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Until next time, stay gold, Pony Boy or Girl! I know it doesn't make any sense to add "or girl", since I'm quoting a name, but we're just inclusive like that!


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